i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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