On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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