You made me cry and you don't even care
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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