so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
