you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
