did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
