i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
