Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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