i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
