I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
