Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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