The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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