Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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