totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
