Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
