I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
