Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
