A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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