Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
