My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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