I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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