i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
