i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
