im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
