I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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