i think my tv is drunk
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
