I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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