your thong is hanging out like whoa
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
