I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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