come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
