I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
