Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
