What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
