remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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