I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
