the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
