I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
