I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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