haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
it's great music for shaving your balls
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
