I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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