i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
