She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
