so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What a dumb baby whore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
