it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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