i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
