Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
