ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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