My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
