Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just puked most of my soul out..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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