i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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