I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
