party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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