break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
