Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
