my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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