You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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