So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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