I just pynch a tree in the face
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
