my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
