I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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