Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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