the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
