me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
