Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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