so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
